It isn’t raining. It hasn’t rained for a few days. The glorious sunshine found us in April. I’ve laid in the grass and walked barefoot along the bricks of the garden wall; I’ve hung washing to dry in the sun’s rays and inhaled my neighbours’ barbecues.
But while the sun has been shining, this week hasn’t been easy. A few weeks ago, I started on a rollercoaster – experiencing highs and lows sometimes several times within a single day, which is a form of rapid cycling. For the past week, the highs have been virtually nonexistent and, instead, I’ve been dragging myself through a longer period of feeling low. After a year of not being on medication and being fairly stable with no major episodes, this sucks. This really, really sucks. It feels like April has been raining on me, even though the sun has been shining.
Some days are better than others. Some days I’ve struggled to get out of bed before 2pm, though on a normal day off I can’t lie in past 9am. Today has been better. I’ve been at work for the past two days, which forces me back into a routine that disappears over the weekend. That’s helped. I think being at work keeps me moving. There’s a part of me that’s dreading the long bank holiday weekend because, while I’ve made lots of plans to keep me occupied, I’m in the bad habit of cancelling on friends when things feel a bit much at the moment. Note to self: isolating oneself doesn’t help feelings of isolation.
I’m working on getting and maintaining support at the moment (something I’ve not been great at doing while I’ve been stable). I’ve been referred back to the CMHT to see the psychiatrist with an urgent referral behind me, which is positive. Yesterday, I also did something I’ve never done before: I told my boss about my bipolar diagnosis. It wasn’t the easiest conversation in the world, but it definitely was the right and best thing to do. Things are positive. I just need my mood to follow now.